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WHATEVER ONE IS THE OPPOSITE OF WINTER MAKE IT THAT.

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The first recorded incident of a Canadian winter happened in the winter of… um… God DAMMIT, I already f*cked that up! OK, I have no idea. I didn’t do any actual “research”. But winter has been a Canadian tradition for hundreds, or possibly even millions of years. Scientific estimations are just that – 100% balls-to-the-wall guesses.

What we DO know as an educated fact, is that winter sucks a giant big old smelly Canadian bear peen. And while there’s nothing we can do to stop it, there are measures we can take to make it less terrible.

The C.B.P.S.P.E.M.P (Canadian Bureau of Post-Solstice/Pre-Equinox Madness Prevention) reccomends this list of winter-time activities to stave off any bouts of extreme boredom or listlessness that could result in “people who live in south Boston” levels of alcohol abuse:

1) Read to a stranger. Waiting outside for public transit during Canada’s coldest months is a brutal exercise in Russian amounts of silent, dead-inside resolve. To lighten the spirits of your Canadian comrades, always carry around a satchel of classic children’s ‘Golden Books’ titles. Most adult readers of a 2nd grade reading level or higher can plough through these in a matter of minutes. They’re light, enjoyable, and the subject matter will splash a brief moment of color into the bleak, lifeless landscape around you

2) Macrame. Seriously, macrame. I can only assume that macrame is an acceptable format for shorts and short-pants in most metropolitan areas. So throw some Best Coast on your vintage portable record player, and get knotting! Stock up for summer and be the first to wear your new macrame shorts, they’ll be over by mid-June

3) Text someone and tell them you love them. Not someone you know, just text a random number. Tell them your car skidded off the road and you don’t think anyone is coming for you, and its very cold. They’ll spend the rest of the season trying to Columbo their way to the bottom of that mystery! Congratulations, you’ve just cured a fellow Canadian of cabin fever! Even it was through heartless psychological warfare. All’s fair in gloves & forts!

4) Attend a live comedy show. This last one is THE most important to your sanity! If you don’t lighten up and have a laugh, all of that frozen, vitamin-deficient tension is going to burst! Next thing you know, you’ll be skipping down the street with a letter opener, singing “No Rain” by Blind Melon, trying to cut open pedstrians so you can sleep inside their open husks like a tauntan! NOT. GOOD.

This next details is very crucial, and specific – don’t just go to ANY comedy show. Go to KITCH KOMEDY. It’s FREE LIVE PRO/AM COMEDY every single damn Thursday night, hosted by Dean Young (Sirius XM, MTV, CBC, NXNE). Aka, a Canadian gem. Aka —ME! Your comedy editor, ya big dummies!

KITCH retroKITCH Station

 

KITCH is a hip, low-lit place to stay warm. With good eats a-cookin’ and local beers a-pourin’. It’s also home to Bloordale’s BEST goddamn nachos!

And if that doesn’t sell you on it, you stoic Scandinavian monster, we assemble one of the best lineups in the city every week. For FREE! Cross-Canadian headliners stopping in on tour. Local pros. Upcoming young crowd killers. Comics from both sides of the border warming up before festival galas, comedy specials and more. And, a tradition of the room – purely for flavor – we pepper in a random assortment of oddballs just to set the right tone.

Last December I headlined a show in Honolulu. Afterwards there was an open mic. A comic came up and shoved Twinkies and Jos Louis down his throat until he dry-heaved all over the stage. Believe me, if he could bring himself to get on a plane and ditch paradise for our dystopian Canadian winter, he has himself a 5 minute slot!

But first! This week on the KITCH stage we’ve got the crowd-warming delights of ANDREW BARR (MTV Canada, ichannel) BRIAN COUGHLIN (Corktown Comedy) BRUCE DOUGLAS (TALKHOLE podcast network) JOEL WEST (Red Rocket Comedy) NEIL RHODES (Sirius XM, Comedy Network) SILVI SANTOSO (Absolute Comedy) +MORE!  

Or, you can stay outside and take your chances with the wolves… 

www.kitchbar.com

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