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Blackwater Music 2


In case you didn’t pick up on it, Scenesters, the heading of this particular puff piece is a hoist of the guitar to the fictional band STILLWATER, in Cameron Crowe’s seminal 2000 coming of age rock & roll love letter Almost Famous. 

By the way, Scenesters… if you in fact didn’t get that reference, I am truly disenfranchised in you. Considering the fact that this is first & foremost a music rag, we here at the Scene Magazine Comedy Affairs Desk take our music reportage (or lack thereof in this specific section) very seriously!

Speaking of Almost Famous, if you’ve ever seen the opening titles, all of those vintage backstage passes for Bowie, the Allman Brothers Band, The Faces. Yup, I’ve got ’em! I have friends everywhere. I am a showbiz GOLDEN GOD.

(Oh, and an old friend of mine used to date one of the P.As from that crew, so… It’s not always my own MOJO that does the heavy lifting)

Speaking of the Unholy matrimony between Comedy and Rock ‘n Roll, there’s a CBC Comedy Coup we’d like to introduce you to. Ladies and gentlemen, BLACKWATER MUSIC!  

I know what you’re thinking (mainly because when I was a kid I got mercury poisoning and I can read minds. My urine is also a dull emerald color and smells like sulfur mine tailings, but all in all it’s worth it)  

¨Everyone and their fucking dog has something in the comedy coup¨ – TRUE! But, what’s the harm? This is Canada. Less than 1% of these sea turtles will survive the great swim!

Besides, what with the recent (nervous collar tug) and the whole (WHOA!) with the host of Q (Eeesh). You know who I’m talkin’ bout. Mr. (No Thanks! I’m sexually repulsed). And let’s not forget the recent savage budget cuts to Canada’s beloved broadcaster courtesy of our asexual Prime Minister, the Shopsy’s Butcher Shop logo (pictured below)

 Shopsy's Butcher Logo


Well, I’d say it’s an understatement that the CBC could use an infusion of some talented young blood. And they closed right up when I pitched my own Comedy Coup project at them… (It’s below, let me know what you think!)

¨KIDS EAT THE DARNDEST THINGS” places Canadian toddlers in a room filled with edible and non-edible temptations. What will they try to eat? Loose Legos, expired Loblaws lunch meat, a signed glamour shot of former Governor General Adrienne Clarkson, polished amethyst from a struggling gift shop in Northern Ontario, poutine curds, Wayne Rostad’s mustache, pool cue chalk, Eric Nagler from the Elephant Show. 

That’s more or less the pitch. Oh, and I was REALLY hoping to land the French guy who does all the slide whistle music for Just for Laughs Gags to do our theme music. That would have been a big ¨get¨ as we say in the ‘biz. But cést le vida loco, amiright?

Enter BLACKWATER MUSIC. The show is the brain child of a comedy, indie TV and social media marketing triple-threat. Consisting of my friends in the comedy game *RYAN LONG (Ryan Long is Challenged) DANNY POLISHCHUK (ichannel, Bite TV)

*Is Ryan Long Canada’s Bam Margera?

And social media marketing guru and Youtube wunderkind MATT GIBSON (500,000+ followers!) 

Ryan LongDanny PolishchukMatt Gibson


So, what’s BLACKWATER MUSIC all about, Alfie?

It’s a miracle Blackwater Music is still in business. The long-time owner recently got re-married and installed his newly acquired, grossly under-qualified 22 year old step-son, Jerry, as the store manager. This didn’t sit particularly well with Ryan, the head of the guitar department and the owner’s actual biological son. Feeling slighted by his father, Ryan gets his revenge through being really bad at his job. Although it’s hard for anyone to notice as everyone at Blackwater Music is bad at their job. The staff isn’t particularly knowledgable or presentable or friendly for that matter – but people still keep coming back. For now anyway.

That’s the official angle anyways, but it can be summed up in all it’s hilarious simplicity as 

Blackwater Music is a dysfunctional music store full of barely functioning idiots.

FUNNY Canadian sitcom TV? It’s been a while. Or maybe it’s never actually happened at all? Wait, I’m being Less Than Fair – let’s not forget Less Than Kind. THAT was a thing of beauty. (R.I.P Maury Chaykin!)

Maybe it will happen again… like a Blue Jays back-to-back World Series. Or a musical happening that’s as GOOD as showrunner Ryan Long’s Johnstones, but as big as the dreaded ‘Back? Let’s hope this Canadian Comedy Coup charges through the gates and tears some shit apart! Like a Bull Moose in a China shop Hockey Hall of Fame

For all things BLACKWATER MUSIC, double-click your dirty little mouse to this: