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SOCCER & COMEDY! THERE’S A WALLACE EMERSON FOR EVERYONE!

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Soccer

Protuguese champion of soccer XESSE XAOMES chases a ferrett across the Kickball Turf 

(Photo credit: It was a Google image search. Let’s not sweat the little stuff)

The soccer action is heating up on the… um… pitch? Do we call it a pitch? Whatever it’s called. The soccer yard? The soccer lawn? Is it called a lawn? It’s lawn-like. Can we go back to saying Soccer Pitch like we did at the beginning of this sentence? No? OK. Is it something Italiany? I give up.

Anyways in sports bars, sports + cappuccino bars, and Gelato shops all over Toronto (specifically West Toronto. And specifically the Wallace Emerson part of Toronto) people are very excited to come together and yell at each other while men with matching shorts chase the soccer orb (sometimes replaced with an espresso-addled ferret, as we saw pictured earlier) across the fairway, refusing to pick it up with their hands for fear they’ll arouse the bloodlust of the ball’s protector: a hot tempered white wolf prone to reactionary bouts of murderous rage. He is known simply as “ERNESTO”  

(Pictured below. Again, we did a very quick search and simply used the first photo that the internet saw fit to send bubbling to the surface of the old web-toilet. Almost no effort whatsoever on our part. And fuck you!)

Soccer 2

The most thrilling 15th Brackett of any soccer derby is a time honored closing ritual called “The Olive-Picker’s Day Nap” where the captain of the opposing team is gently placed asleep with a pair of used soccer shorts soaked in chloroform, and his teeth are forcibly removed with a pair of onyx pliars. The team captain can be from the winning team or the losing team, with or without a home field advantage. As long as he is from the opposing team. It is very important that he (or she. Just kidding) is not from his own team

(Also pictured. Again, this photo has nothing to do with anything and it was taken by someone else. Presumably in Europe somewhere and most likely during a soccer race) 

Soccer 3

 

Yes, Scenesters. The good people of Wallace Emerson love themselves a good old fashioned footy match! And World Cup Fever is indeed in the air, leaving countless 10s of people voiding their bowels and collapsing in the quiet industrial streets.

But that ain’t all the entertainment this lively industrial neighborhood has to offer. It’s a live music (and nachos!) haven. With nachos! Did we mention the nachos? I can’t remember. I’m drunk on soccer! (And absynthe) 

KITCH (229 Geary Ave @ Duff/Dupont) serves up the BEST goddamn nachos in all of Wallace Emerson/Bloordale combined. It’s also home to West Toronto’s famous $5 menu – we’re talkin’ tricked out pub grub with a hip(ster) twist, and it pairs just MUAH! with a handful of local pints on tap.

KITCH photo 2 KITCH photo

KITCH is the neighborhood hotspot for eats, beats & audio treats. Every night there’s a different event on-stage. DJ Nights, Garage Band jams, Club Nights, theme nights, open mics – even karaoke & trivia nights for the nerdier more carefree night animals in the neighborhood! 

But on THURSDAYS it’s all about the punchlines. Garage Band Nation and all the hip young thangs of the West unite for one of Toronto’s most loved indie comedy shows. With Pro/Am standup featuring a weekly bill of Canadian crowd killers from festival stages across the continent and beyond. Comics dropping in we’ve seen and heard on Comedy Network, Comedy Central, Bite TV, ichannel, MTV, Much, Sirius XM, Pod Almighty, CBC… etc, etc, etc.

I won’t go on too long, Ernesto is watching and he’s already chewed 2 referees’ legs off, and ate one and a half neighborhood mechanics. He’s bloaty and mad

The whole shebang goes down every Thursday at 9. AND as an added bonus (the “AM” part of Pro/Am) we always have a couple of noobs stepping up to the mic and scarificing themselves to the GODS of comedy!

A penniless and booze-thirsty pack of deities they are.

Hosted every week by your own Comedy Editor DEAN YOUNG (me). You’ve heard me on the Pod Almighty or the CBC, yes? Seen me on the MTV, mais oui? Well every Thursday, KITCH is my home away from almost-homeless. And best of all. This stacked show is FREE every week.

NO. COVER! EVER. 

INJECT YOURSELF WITH COMEDY, IT’S FREE, IT’S FREE.

Cranberries Salvation

 

(Photo cred: The Cranberries/my adolescence) 

OUR THURSDAY JUNE 26 LINE-UP:

JJ LIBERMAN (The Meltdown, Fade to Brown Comedy)

CLAIRE STOLLERY (Perfect 10 Comedy, Model Citizens of Comedy) 

HOODO HERSI (ichannel’s NO KIDDING)

TODD GRAHAM (Apocalypse Pooh, The Weirdo Show, #JFL42)

DANNY POLISHCHUK (ichannel, Tuesdays @ The Imperial)

RHIANNON ARCHER (NXNE, 2013 CCA Nominee, 2014 NOW Magazine ‘Best Of’) 

+ MORE!

PLUS LOTTO SPOTS (y’know, for the comics)

The Scene