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Love or Let Be?

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Welcome to Karen’s Kicks a weekly column about the trials and tribulations of Love
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Dear Karen,

I’m 27 years old
my boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago after a 3 and a half year relationship. I’m happy to say that it was a clean break.

He was my university sweet heart and after studies we moved in together. everything was fine for the first 2 and a half years but the last year has been hell.

I found myself losing interest in him physically, maybe because I dont have that teenage body anymore and neither does he I dunno anyway our sex life went down the drain. I guess I can only blame myself for not satisfying him.

In our last 6 months together he started coming home late. sometimes 5-6am and a few times not at all. My friends told me that they used to see him around town buying drinks and dancing with much younger college girls.

I creeped his facebook once and found loads of posts he
made on other girls profiles, some were flirty but nothing confirmed an affair.

So eventually I broke up with him and left our apartment.

Since we broke up we haven’t slept together but we still talk about once a week. We still have similar friends and we bump into each other sometimes.

I’ve been feeling so lonely and I’m a mess. I tried dating a few guys but nothing sparked my interest. I really miss him and when I see him around I miss him even more. We used to be good together.

I went out last Friday night for my girlfriends birthday. We were at Green Sleeves and saw my ex at a table with some friends. We ended up drinking and talking it felt like old times. Later on when I was drunk he texted me and i took a cab to his place (our old place). We hooked up and made love all night. it was amazing!
In the morning we had breakfast and said goodbye again. I really think he misses me too.

It’s been a week now and I haven’t heard from him.

I don’t wanna fall back into our old relationship and I don’t wanna smother him and ask what he’s been up to.

Was it a mistake to hook up? should I call him? or just move on?

Beth H.


Dear Beth:

Take the time to figure out what it is you want from the relationship. Women are often optimistic and tend to cling to a bad relationship trying to fix the problems that disabled it. Missing someone who has been your companion and lover is normal after a failed relationship, and dating can seem daunting when youve been with someone long term. Finding that spark with another man, straight out of a break-up may not happen immediately. In fact, it may take many months, or even years later to find that special someone with whom you truly connect.

It seems you have entered a grey area here, where youre no longer his girlfriend but are sleeping with him. This is a very dangerous place to be. Youll want to be careful that you dont end up as a doormat. He gets to have you without the commitment. Most men are totally elated with this situation and will continue it forever if permitted.

Only you can decide what it is you want from the relationship and that doesnt mean looking at your boyfriend, but taking a good look at yourself in the mirror. Think about the problems in the relationship that were making you unhappy. What would be your expectations if you were to reconcile? Do you really want to be his girlfriend again? After all, remember, youre the person who ended it. He may be equally as confused as you are right now. .

Youre going to have to talk to him eventually. Rather than run the risk of running into him again with your friends, call him. Ask him out for a coffee. Dont fall into the trap of meeting him for drinks, since drinking often leads to bad judgment and you dont want to sleep with him again until youve both clearly defined your relationship and have an understanding and agreement whether to try again or move on.

Karen .

 

 

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