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GAY SON! – Please HELP

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Dear Karen,

My 16 year old son thinks he’s gay.  During a fight last night he told me to leave him alone he stated “mom I’m gay” and ran into his room.

I’ve been wondering about him for years and now he comes out and tells me that he’s gay?  It kind of make sense actually…

I’ve never seen him with a girl or expressing interest in girls.
I don’t know if he’s ever been with a man, but when I asked him he declined to answer.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years we have a healthy home and I see no reason for this.   I’m open and accepting of others being gay but I never thought this would happen in my life.

We are heavily involved in the church and I’m afraid that this might embarrass my family.
I don’t think that my daughter knows.    I know that my husband doesn’t know.  He’d be furious if he found out.  Should we have a family meeting about this?   Or should I let this issue go and consider it a phase?   I really hope it’s a phase.

Molly R.



Dear Molly R:


People in general, especially teenagers are often known to lash out and say things they don’t mean when they are angry. However, I think it is highly unlikely that your son told you that he is gay as a way to be mean or for shock value.  He has been most likely harboring this secret for quite some time trying to get up the courage to “come out” and tell you about his sexuality. It is very possible that this has been a lonely and difficult path for your son.


I just want to say, don’t panic!  And, don’t take it personally that he has kept it from you.  If you are open minded and accepting of others being gay, then you should most certainly be accepting of your own child.
A parent’s love is unconditional.


Your son did not choose to be this way.  He was born this way.  It’s most likely not a phase, it’s probably who he really is.  And, it’s not your fault!  It may not be the life you wanted for him, but it is – his life.  Being gay doesn’t totally define who he is.  It is just one aspect.


I suggest that you talk to your son during a calm moment. Refer back to his confession and listen with love and understanding to what he has to say.  And never tell him you are embarrassed of him. That’s the worst thing you can do.

You should also ensure that your son receives support in the form of a therapist who works with teens and has experience in counseling gay teens. A good start would be to contact an adult mentor, such as a teacher coach or a school guidance counselor for a referral.

Good luck!