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Blue Hawaii Aristocrats


It’s depraved, its perverted, it’s luke warm & lumpy to the touch… its THE ARISTOCRATS!

For those in the know (ie “industry”, whatever the fuck that is) it’s comedy’s most crude cult crowd-killer. A sort of freeform piece of pissing contest poetry that comics use to out-shock and out funny each other, piling on the smut & prose like a glory hole William S. Burroughs

Some claim Paul Provenza (The Green Room, The Set List) and Penn Jillette (Penn & Teller’s Bullshit) made the whole thing up, for their infamous independent 2005 doc  of the same name. Wait, do we really need to specify that a documentary was independently made? That in itself is a punchline! And please, let’s never EVER confuse the Aristocrats with the dangerously similarly named animated Disney feature length about a whole different kind of p*ssies altogether. The friendlier and (we hope) furrier kind. Sigh, yes that was cheap and easy and crass and oh so very stupid – but look what we’re talkin’ about here!

Some say that Chevy Chase (or was it Johnny Carson?) used to throw all night-Aristocrats theme parties back in the 70s, where comedy’s coolest kids would (snort) pontificate and wax on the world’s (snort) dirtiest exercise in profound profanity for (snort) hours and hours on end. A veritable marathon of misbehavior!

I’m going with Chevy on that one, doesn’t seem like Carson’s scene.

Anyways, we of us in the joke sayin’ racket have all either heard of, seen performed, or ourselves attempted SOME variation of the Aristocrats joke. Or we’ve heard it. Or we’re vaguely familiar with it. We all have our opinions on it. Our own run-ins with it…

I myself first attempted a 20+ minute version of it, after a friends’ summer wedding. Armed with only working knowledge of the joke I gleaned from Penn & Provenza’s marvelous talking picture (having just been out a couple years at the time). I was in my infancy in comedy writing, grinding it out in mid-market Rock radio stations. Much of that statement is still true this near-decade later, by the way. I managed to pile on the filth for the length of the average sitcom episode sans the sponsors, and at the end (for reasons I don’t quite remember due to years passed and highballs consumed that night) at some point a Catholic person left, very angrily. I’m not sure why, nor do I care to speculate

My other brush with this infamous White Whale of a green room riff happened (again in radio) when a certain Meatloaf Aday prodded me to tell the joke on the air, on an afternoon Oldies show he came in to guest host. I courteously explained to Mr. Aday that telling the Aristocrats joke on the air at 3pm on a terrestrial radio station that paid my bills as a copywriter and paid its bills playing golden hits like his would have (A) resulted in a lot of unhappy advertisers and (B) gotten me VERY @#$%ing fired

Still though, if ya gotta go out… not a bad way to do it, amiright?

And as a comic and someone “in showbiz” and what have you, with the benefit of hindsight I can look back and say KIDS, IF MEATLOAF TELLS YOU TO DO SOMETHING JUST DO IT!

I have since redeemed myself  by featuring this joke, in 3 very different variations, on my Forever Young podcast. And I know, plugging my own show within’ a show might make me an asshole – but it’s also meta as shit, you guys! Plus, I did it all for the context, as Fred Durst might say

Anyways, longest intro ever! (fart noise)

On Monday, January 27th at Toronto’s Hawaii Bar (989 Dovercourt Rd), Joel West & Cam Maltby present “THE ARISTOCRATS”, with their Blue Hawaii/Blue Mondays down & dirty comedy showcase!

Featuring some of Toronto’s PRO’iest pros and most amateur AMs storytelling & spinning their own shit-soaked versions of this world famous set-em-up & gross-em-out piece of punchline pummeling magical mayhem. And somewhere in that lineup, me! I’m tickled in a place only a few brave proctologists will venture


The cost? $P.W.Y.C – or, pay what you can, to all you gringos out there in audience town!


The Scene